Pakistan declares war on India, AAP calls press conference

AAP addressing the media.

In a surprising development, the tension between the sub-continent rivals heightened as an infantry unit of Pakistani Army attacked Indian positions in the Kargil sector.

While the Prime Minister and the Defence forces top brass mulled over strategies on possible responses, our Fakingnews reporter was able to extract a soundbyte from the Defence Minister A K Antony.

On being quizzed about the situation, Antony in his inimitable style said, “The intelligence inputs suggest that considering the increasing incidents of Jawans fighting the Officers, this attack could have been orchestrated by the Jawans attacking the Officers dressed in Pakistani Uniform“. Our staff reporter wondered whether the source of his  intelligence input was ISI or IB.

Meanwhile, another Fakingnews reporter attended a press conference called by the core committee of AAP and here is the summary of her report:

At the start of conference Arvind Kejriwal announced,”We will change the way press conferences are conducted in the manner we have changed the politics of the country. All our core committee members will issue a statement each and the journalists will be allowed to ask questions at the end of the conference. Journalists are ‘free‘ to ask one question each, however every subsequent question would cost them INR 2014 to be contributed to AAP election fund.”

Prashant Bhushan: We will conduct a nation-wide referendum to decide our response to the attack by Pakistan. While the earlier ideas of referendums in J&K and Maoist affected areas would have given us limited geographic reach, such a nation-wide referendum would help AAP to eliminate corruption from the entire country.

Yogendra Yadav: We strictly condemn the composition of our army as it’s not ‘AAM’ enough. It still continues with the colonial legacy of recruiting from special castes and classes like Garhwal, Gorkha, Sikh, Jat, Rajput, Maratha, etc. We will submit a memorandum to PMO and NAC to dismantle the existing regiments and raise a new ‘AAM AADMI REGIMENT’ to fight Pakistan with increased reservation for classes not finding adequate representation in the Army.

Kumar Vishwas: I suggest that our party takes the official stand of ‘Make poetry not War’ and I suggest that we take a band of poets to the Kargil sector to either scare the enemy through ‘Vir Ras Poetry’ or bore them to surrender.

Manish Shishodiya: I suggest that we form a team of volunteers that will go to the border areasand inspect whether our Army is fighting properly. They will send ‘Daily Assessment Reports’ to the AAP headquarters and we will be happy to share those with Army or media houses provided they file a proper request through RTI.

Rakhi Birla: I don’t understand this hue and cry. We should first send a fact finding team to ascertain that it was really an attack, lest it was a cricket shot landing on the wrong side of the border.

Gopal Rai: It was bound to happen as Anna Hazare did not fight for bringing the Pakistani Prime Minister and Army Chief under the ambit of Lokpal.

Somnath Bharati: I suggest that we call the Chiefs of Staff, Defence Minister and PM to call a ‘Manthan Darbar’ at the Delhi secretariat.

Arvind Kejriwal: This attack as been orchestrated by the corrupt BJP-Congress combine so that government can procure arms and the netas can take kick-backs.

Vinod Kumar Binny: I demand that Defence portfolio be created in the Delhi government and I be made Defence minister.

Digvijay Singh: We all should learn from AAP.